A Loss of A Peanut πŸ₯œ Take One 🎞

Please bare with me as writing this is still a very hard topic to discuss so truthfully it could take a few months. I thank you in advance for understanding.

A few months after starting to date my now ex husband. We found out I was pregnant. I was only 16yrs at the time and was extremely terrified.

Knowing the exact time of conception I remembered the condom broke. Already being on the pill I thought I’d be fine but I heard over the radio about the ECP-emergency contraceptive pill. So wanted to take extra precautions.

A couple weeks later I was feeling really sick. Vomiting, hot and cold flushes, my body was aching. Well we were at his parents house for dinner I felt faint. His mother joked “what’s wrong? You pregnant or something?” … I stood there frozen. I couldn’t even answer her but I couldn’t be I’m on the pill and took the ECP. It’s not possible!?

I will never forget peeing on that pregnancy test. Watching as it processes. There was no doubting it, those two lines came up straight away. PREGNANT. I sat on the bathroom floor balling my eyes out, wondering why? How?

Not having a clue what to do I booked a appointment to see my doctor (first appointment I’d ever booked). I told him I thought I could be pregnant. He got me to take one of their pregnancy tests which of course came back positive. He started to suggest I start taking some prenatal vitamins. As I sat there blankly he asked “Or would you like to look at other options?” Other options ? What other option do I have but to have this baby?

My doctor gave me a prescription for the prenatal vitamins and also information on abortions and adoption but asked I come back in a couple days as abortions need to be done in a curtain time frame. A couple days go by and I’m no closer to a decision. I go back to my doctor. He talks me through my choices. At the end of my appointment he asks me to have a scan done so we can see how far along I am.

We go back to my boyfriends parents house and decided we need to tell someone what’s happening. When standing in front of his parents about to tell them, my heart felt like it was beating out of my chest. I got so scared I fainted. Once I came to we told them… To my surprise they were so excited. His mother was jumping up and down so happy for us and supportive. I couldn’t help but get a little excited too. As his mother got more enthusiastic and her excitement grew. Talking about all the things she’s gonna buy and things they’ll do together I felt myself getting more and more anxious. I hear myself yell “we’re not keeping the baby!” Her wide smile soon faded “what do you mean your not keeping the baby? What are you gonna do then? Adoption? You can’t be thinking termination? Your crazy, you’ll never forgive yourself.”

Scan booked, now heading to my appointment. At this point I’d made up my mind to go through with the abortion. So truthfully I didn’t want to have a scan to see the baby I’m going to “get rid of”. I’m laying down trying not to look at the screen as the lady checks and measures the baby. She’s talking away telling us what she’s doing. I’m not really listening then I hear her say something about the heartbeat. Next I hear the babies heartbeat, I swear it was on a speaker at max volume. I couldn’t help but look up at the screen. My heart fall to the floor and I couldn’t hold back my emotions anymore. I burst into tears, telling her to turn it off. I wanted to run out of there and not look back but I felt like everyone out in the waiting room heard that heartbeat and heard me yell at the Sonographer. For some reason this woman asked if we wanted a photo and a CD. I burst into tears yet again. NO!!!

When we got back home there on the kitchen bench was the baby’s photo and CD. Curiosity got the better of me and I had to look at that photo. That’s when I felt it probably for the first time in my life LOVE. The baby looked like a little peanut. It was so tiny and cute. I wanted to change my mind. I can’t kill a baby. What kind of person would that make me?

To be continued…

Xo K

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