A Loss of A Peanut 🥜 Take Two 🎞

Getting closer and closer to needing to make my decision, rapidly running out of time and a list a mile long of things I need to do before hand.

Starting the process of abortion I had to do counselling. Which I only did once as I didn’t want to talk about it. I was asked a number of times if this decision was MY choice and not forced from someone else. I could never answer that question well. I had support from my boyfriend and his family no matter what but I hadn’t told my family still to this day I haven’t told them. Unsure if this was because I knew I wouldn’t have their support or cause I knew I couldn’t be a mum just yet or the risk of people saying I’m just like my mother.

Blood tests, scans, paperwork, mental & physical health checks all done ✅ barely meeting the deadline (wrong choice of word). Now waiting for my appointment to Wellington hospital, I was sitting at 13+ weeks pregnant. This wait was the hardest, knowing it’s my last few days with this little peanut, going back & fourth on my decision. Wondering what would happen if I missed my appointment. Uncontrollable tears, fears, and regret.

The day was here. We left home early that morning. I had knots in my stomach the whole drive, still questioning my decision. As we got to Wellington we got a bit lost. Thinking this was a final sign not to go through with it I thought about going back home but then we found it. The most enormous, daunting building (in my eyes) I’d ever seen. Feeling sicker as I walk through the parking lot, through those front doors 🚪 going through a number of other doors feeling more lost the closer I got. On one of the last doors there was a button to push they asked for my name which for some reason I couldn’t say. It wouldn’t come out. My boyfriend spoke for me.

Once in, I was handed another lot of paperwork to fill in and told to wait. As I sat down my stomach was doing flips, I started shaking all I wanted to do was leave. There was surprisingly so many women/girls in there, a variety of ages and bump sizes. One women that was sporting a decent bump was crying well hugging her bump which made me think this wasn’t her choice to be here. I felt like I was being so selfish just terminating my baby like it’s nothing where this woman clearly loved her unborn child and didn’t want to give up on them.

Watching everyone go in as I was left waiting made me want to get it over and done with. They finally called my name. The staff were all so friendly. I was asked for a final time if I was sure this is what I wanted. My heart was yelling “NO!!” But my mouth said yes. I was asked to get changed into their robe and to take this pill left by a glass of water. The nurse told me “once you take this pill there is no going back this pill with stop your baby’s heartbeat so take a couple minutes to think if your truely sure and I’ll come back”. I cried my eyes out realising how real this is. Reluctantly I grabbed the glass of water and picked up the pill. I threw it to the back of my mouth still balling my eyes out and swallowed. I couldn’t believe what I’d just done. I just killed my unborn child.

As the nurse came back into the room I was a absolute mess. She gave me some other medication then sat me in a wheelchair and wheeled me to the operating room. As we entered into the room there was a number of other nurses in there. A bed with some big lights hovering over it. A bunch of medical equipment lined up at the end of the bed along with a kidney shaped bowl. I was so terrified. Still crying I got up on the bed, shaking yet again. I had two nurses holding my hands trying to calm me down. The doctor came in, introducing himself. He had a nurse bring in a monitor to check babies heartbeat. He tells me “Your babies heartbeat has stopped so I’m going to get started”. I don’t remember feeling much apart from a pulling feeling when I believe the baby was removed. The doctor and nurses talked amongst themselves, nothing I understood. The doctor told me the baby was out and he’d stitch me up and then it’s all done. A nurse beside him asked if I wanted to look down and see my baby (I’d had my eyes closed most of the time) I cried saying no but as I opened my eyes I saw in a reflection the baby. Lying in that kidney shaped bowl lifeless. I couldn’t control my emotions I screamed such a terrifying cry. Beside myself as the nurses try to calm me yet again. The doctor yells at the nurse to cover and remove the baby from the room immediately.

To be continued…

Xo K

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